Monday, January 27, 2014

Inexplicable Crushes I Have Had: Some Strange Eye Candy for V-Day!

In the past, I have had some crushes on men (mostly fictional; some were illustrations) that really defy all explanation.  I have the usual Hollywood-type crushes:  Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ryan Gosling, Andy Samberg (though I suppose that might be considered odd by some), and Ewan McGregor, etc.  But then I have had these weird, temporary obsessions that basically make no sense.  (Like this one time, I was watching Anne of Green Gables with my mom...and I found the old dude to be, somehow, attractive.  As in, an old man.  My mom thinks it's because I'm an "old soul."  Which makes me sound a little bit more normal, I guess.)  These crushes have consisted of celebrities, cartoon characters, a drawing from a board game, and, yes, some...Disney animals.  Good God.  I swear to you I am not as creepy as this list makes me sound.  Also, I have a husband who I love very much...and he's fully aware of this ridiculous list.  Don't worry:  he has a list too.  (#1 = Katy Perry.)

Scarecrow, The Wizard of Oz (photo from here)

A perfectly normal way to start off this list, right?  A fictional man filled with straw?  I know.  But I was a little kid, and he was just the nicest guy.  He is so grateful to Dorothy for helping him down off of that damn nail, and he is so sweet that he can't even scare a bird!  There was a reason that Dorothy said (rudely, in front of everyone else) that she would miss the Scarecrow most of all:  Scarecrow = husband material.

Edward Scissorhands (photo from here)

Having a crush on Johnny Depp is all well and good.  Sure, he's sexy, and yes, Captain Jack Sparrow could work that eyeliner.  But I, specifically, have a thing for Edward Scissorhands himself.  You guys, let's face it - he is hot.  Maybe not in this photo, necessarily, but he definitely is.  He is just so nice!  And shy!  And misunderstood!  He doesn't mean to hurt people, okay?  He feels really bad about it!  He can't help it that his hands are scissors!  If I was Winona Ryder, things would have been different.  He would not have died.  I would have taken care of him and stuff.  Poor Edward :(

House, M.D. (photo from here)

This isn't all that weird, besides the considerable age difference.  Ah, House.  Do I love him because he is an asshole, or in spite of the fact that he is an asshole.  Probably because.  I don't know what it is, exactly.  But there's definitely something about him.  Also, he sings.  (Squeeeee!)

Rob Dyrdek (photo from here)

I think the show Rob and Big is (was) hilarious.  And I have a significant amount of fondness for Rob himself.  I think he is absolutely adorable, I want to carry him around in my pocket with me, and I have for some reason convinced myself that he is a super nice guy to women - though all signs point to the opposite (see his song called "Dirty Girl").  I told Jared that if Rob Dyrdek somehow showed up at my door and wanted to take me skateboarding, I just wouldn't be able to refuse.  I just wouldn't.

John Goodman, the Roseanne era (photo from here)

Don't act like you didn't feel the same way.  He's like a big teddy bear that you wanted to dress up in plaid flannel shirts and go out and play catch with.  And then you could play Halloween-themed pranks on each other and take turns talking like The Three Stooges.  Dan, though, could be pretty scary.  If I had been Roseanne, I would have been terrified of him.  He goes from zero to sixty just like that, and I'm always like, "Whoa, John.  Easy," because it looked like he might have a heart attack.  Red-faced + sweaty = John Goodman as Dan.  Love it.

Adam Sandler, Billy Madison (photo from here)

Oh, Adam Sandler.  What happened.  His attractiveness steadily declined along with his he descended into kid-movie territory.  I was into him from Billy Madison all the way to...Little Nicky, maybe?  And then I moved on.  (But OMG Robbie Hart in Wedding Singer?!?!  YES!)  I really loved Billy Madison, though.  When he dances down the stairs to Culture Club?  And he's so tan and cute?!  Sigh.  Oh, Billy, Billy boy...when are you going to find whatever it is you're looking for...

Scott Disick, Keeping Up With the Kardashians (photo from here)

I know.  I'm so sorry...I'm ashamed of myself.

Severus Snape, Harry Potter (photo from here)

There's a chance it might be the actor, not just Snape, because I also adored him in Sweeney Todd.  It's the voice.  Also the fact that Snape loved Lily AFTER ALL THIS TIME, ALWAYS!

Simba, The Lion King (photo from here)

Okay.  An explanation is needed, I suppose.  I was six years old.  My favorite jam was "I Just Can't Wait to be King."  And Simba was voiced by Jonathan Taylor Thomas, who was, like, the 90s crush to end all crushes.  Hopefully that's explanation enough and my blog doesn't get flagged for bestiality or something.

Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation (photo from here)

This makes total sense in my mind.  Amazing wisdom, a love for breakfast foods, and a luxurious mustache?  What else could a girl ask for?!  (Answer:  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.)  (Also, I don't know if this is something to be worried about, but Ron Swanson reminds me A LOT of my father-in-law.)

Johnny Bravo (photo from here)

I mean, does this really need to be explained?!  I can't be the only one.  The shades.  The jeans.  The muscles.  The hair?!  His cheesy one-liners would've worked on me.  Just sayin'.  What a stud.

I can't think of a better note to end on than Johnny Bravo.  Just know that there will be a sequel to this post.  And maybe one from Jared, because what guy doesn't love Jessica Rabbit?!


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