Monday, November 18, 2013

If I Pretend Not to See You in Public, It's Probably Because I'm Wearing Fuggs and a Grandma Sweater

My wardrobe is made up of mostly boots, leggings, oversized sweaters, and a whole crapton of things that I am vaguely embarrassed about owning, but that I wear the shit out of anyway.  Items that, if I am wearing around in the comfort of my own home, make me feel comfortable and super-stylish, but if I run into you while wearing them in public, I might try to hide.  Because I am wearing two of those very items as we speak, I give you:  "Fashion Trends" That I Secretly Love but am Incredibly Embarrassed About.

Stirrup Pants
photo from here

Stirrup pants are a relic from an 80's version of the soccer mom's closet.  I know this.  And yet I wear them anyway.  I got them from Sears for six bucks, and I wear them with Ugg boots and sweatshirts; I wear them with high heeled booties and skirts; I will probably even wear them to Thanksgiving dinner (the waistband is very forgiving).  But people never know I am wearing them; they look like basic leggings.  The downfall is houses in which I am forced to take off my shoes - not wanting people to see the humiliating band around the bottom of my foot, I tend to look around wildly and say, "Umm..I'll just wipe my shoes off really well."  

Also, I'm pretty sure that Lucy Ricardo was a repeat offender of wearing stirrup pants on I Love Lucy, which doesn't add to their street cred at all.  (Actually, who am I trying to kid?  I would love to own Lucy's entire wardrobe.  I would also love to own Desi Arnaz and have him say to me, "Cheeeelseeeea!  Wha hoppen?!"  while I am shoveling chocolates into my mouth or wrangling a huge loaf of bread from the oven or something.  But that's for another blog post.)

A Ridiculous Amount of Clothing Featuring Animals
photo from here

So this is an actual trend right now.  But I think I have gone overboard with it.  I have the following pieces, for example:  a dog sweater, an owl sweater, a fox (wearing glasses...shake my damn head) sweater, a raccoon sweatshirt, a cat sweatshirt, a dog-printed skirt, three different owl t-shirts, a deer long-sleeved tee, and more things with birds on them than you can even imagine.  That is not even including the scads of animal-themed jewelry I have.  Jared calls me a Taylor Swift doppelganger mixed with an 85 year old woman.  I choose to think of this as a compliment.

And last but not least, it's a tie between Leggings as Pants and The Ubiquitous Ugg Boot.
The dreaded double whammy found here, but if Olivia Wilde is wearing it, it can't be so bad, right?  Right?!

My "Ugg" boots are actually faux Uggs (Fuggs?) found at Claire's for twelve dollars.  (You jealous?)  I wear them at some point nearly every day.  I know that these (usually paired with yoga pants) are freaking rampant at every college campus and loved by girls who wear shirts that say Hollister and Abercrombie.  The logical part of me wants to hate them.  But dammit, I love my Fuggs.  They are warm and they are comfortable and they are the perfect thing to slip on over fuzzy socks when it's snowing outside.  If anyone asks, I wear them ironically.

Leggings as pants.  Sigh.  I am a huge hypocrite here, because I get generally a little grossed out when I see a leggings-as-pants offender.  But it's just so easy to do, and so comfortable...camel toe and bubble butt be damned.  And you know what?  I have some long-ass legs, and when I order a sweater specifically to be worn (at a reasonable length) over leggings, and then I receive that sweater and it seems to be made for 5 footers and doesn't even cover the top of my buttcrack?  I am, on principle, going to wear that sweater with leggings anyway.  Also, men seem to enjoy this look (my husband included) which, yuck, but hey, it's something I guess.


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