Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Springtime Feelin's in the Middle of December: My Top 5 Christmas Albums

You guys don't understand my love of Christmas music.  You just don't.  I could seriously listen to it all year round if I didn't think the people I love would murder me for it.  I have three separate holiday-themed radio stations on Pandora.  I sometimes listen to my Mariah Carey Christmas cd in my car in the summer and then if someone overhears, I just laugh and say, "Christmas in July!  Don't you do it?!"  When I worked at Younkers, I couldn't wait until Black Friday when the Christmas music would start playing, and then, when my coworkers complained about hearing "Run Run Rudolph" for the 456th time, I would sigh and moan right along with them, but secretly, like, trembling with joy. 

I love it so much.  I probably have more Christmas cds than I have regular ones, so this is a very hard Top 5 list for me to make.  But I'm gonna do it. 

5.  Hey, It's Christmas (Volume 1) - Various Artists
I originally found this (free!) downloadable cd from the blog Rockstar Diaries, and now they're on their third volume!  (Go here to download them all.)  If I remember correctly, I was alone at college and very sick of hearing upbeat holiday tunes...I thought to myself, "Don't they make...depressed-sounding Christmas music?"  Hmm.  Maybe I had my period.  Or, more likely, I was sick of eating ramen noodles every day.  And then I found this.  And it's awesome.  It's a compilation of up and coming bands and artists doing crazy things with cool instruments.  It's definitely nontraditional, but it's also very fun and can suit any mood!  (And I mean any mood.  Jared and I were recently listening to the decidedly unmerry "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas", and he said that it sounded like the singer needed some Prozac.)
4.  Family Force 5 - Christmas Pageant
I am not a fan of what you would call "Christian" music.  I don't generally listen to Family Force 5, nor do I care to.  However, there is no denying the awesomeness that is their Christmas album.  A student who sat next to me in a human identity course in college told me about this cd and described it as a mix of "rock, electronica, punk, and rap."  Mmmmwhat?!  But yeah, that's basically what it is.  I like to listen to "Carol of the Bells" with my (extremely meager) bass cranked up as high as it can go in my Pontiac Vibe, lean my seat really far back, and pretend I'm an especially festive badass.
3.  Michael Buble - Christmas
I'm not sure why, but I don't want to like Michael Buble.  I really don't.  Whenever I see his face, my brain always thinks the words, "smug bastard," which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because I have never actually used those words together before in my life.  And I can also never figure out how to make the little ' above the "e" in his last name, which annoys me.  Anyway.  I didn't have high hopes for his Christmas cd, but unfortunately for me...I loved it.  I loved every minute of it, including the annoying way he sings "Santa BUDDY" instead of Santa baby, and including the irritating French girls that simper "Merry Christmas, Mister Buble!" at the beginning of Jingle Bells, and even including the way he massacred "Blue Christmas" into sounding like a 1920s stripper theme song.  I loved it all.  And you probably will too. 
A small side note:  I was once contemplating breaking up with a boy I was dating because he consistently made clicking noises with his tongue (I was in eighth grade, and it was weird.  It's fine.)  So we were riding home from a "date" in the back of my dad's van (again, eighth grade) when he said, "So, if you like John Mayer, you'd probably like this other guy..."  "Oh yeah?  Who?"  And then he said..."Have you heard of him?  Michael 'Bubble'?"  Bubble, you guys.  He said Bubble, like you blow with your gum.  And I cocked my head to the side and said, "Hmm...no, I don't think I have.  I'll have to check him out."  While subconsciously hammering the final nail into the poor boy's dating coffin.  I'm so mean.  But seriously.  Michael Bubble.
2.  Now That's What I Call Christmas 4! - Various artists
Sigh.  If this Christmas cd were a man, I would marry it.  Actually, I'm already married, so I would just buy it a drink.  While the Now that's what I Call Music! cds are sadly lacking in quality, containing only the poorly edited songs you hear over and over again on the radio, all the Now! Christmas volumes are pretty great.  But I'm partial to number 4.  It is the Rolls Royce of Christmas compilations.  Everything you would possibly want in a holiday music collection is right here:  Rihanna!  Mariah Carey and her classic "All I Want for Christmas is You!"  Carrie and Martina, the two most beautiful voices in country music!  It's Britney, bitch!  PLUS festive Michael Buble, sexy Adam Levine, and the classics like Burl Ives, Elvis, and good ol' Bing. 
To be a bit more specific...Lady Gaga's "Christmas Tree" is the only filthy dirty Christmas song you will ever hear.  And you will love it.  You will get "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" by the Temptations stuck in your head for approximately all of December and most of January too.  The "Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy" medley by Bing Crosby and David Bowie is the best thing ever.  The only bad thing on this cd is Christina Aguilera and her over-reaching her voice on her merry little Christmas. 
I'm gonna rush through the rest of this list so I can go listen to this cd.
And Number 1.  Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton - Once Upon a Christmas
This album is literally the soundtrack of my childhood Christmases, and I know every word.  Sigh.  There are just no descriptions for the cheesy fun that is this cd.  Dolly's squeaky voice in "I Believe in Santa Claus," Kenny's dramatics in "Once Upon a Christmas."  And "Christmas Without You?!"  Oh my gosh.  SO the saddest Christmas song ever - forget Blue Christmas. 
Old Christmas songs we knew (sniff)
And used to make love to...(okay, eww)
Make it hard to get used to
Christmas without you (sob!)
If you haven't heard this cd, then immediately go download it.  It's especially fun if you make your significant other pretend that he is Kenny and you are Dolly and you sing to each other.  ...Not that I've done this or anything.
Side note:  I hit a deer two years ago at night while listening to the sweet sounds of Dolly singing "Winter Wonderland/Sleigh Ride" on full blast.  It was a little bit traumatizing, and the song has never been the same.
But now it's time for us to go, as our hearts melt like chimney snow.  There's just one thing I want to know...can we do this next winter?


1 comment:

  1. Heck yeah for Family Force 5 Christmas Pageant!! I would sometimes tear up the town when it was a blizzard outside with FF5 jacked up in the truck and in 4-wheel squeal = )