Sunday, May 6, 2012

I'll Never Let Go, Jack...(Or, Why I Simultaneously Love and Hate the Greatest Love Story of Our Time)

I know, I know.  It's been ages since Titanic 3D hit theaters, but hey, guess what?  I'm still not over it.  In fact, if I think too much about certain things in the movie (Celine Dion's heartwrenching vocals, the band playing Nearer my God to Thee, just to name a few), I will without a doubt start crying.  Titanic is the only movie that has had these near-traumatic effects on me...with the exception of Selena, which my caring sister dragged me to when I was, like, six, and then J.Lo/Selena DIES and I didn't talk for four days.  But that's another story. 

I didn't see this movie in its entirety until I was probably about 13 - when it came out, I was only 7, and my mom wanted to protect me, I'm sure, not from all the dying people flailing in the water and bouncing off propellers on the way down, but from Rose's little "Wearing this, wearing only this" scene.  I was too distracted by Jack's adorable floppy bangs to notice that Rose was naked, anyway.  Although I had never seen the film, my elementary school friend Jordan and I used to spend some time looking at my sister's Titanic "official" movie book, even fighting over who got to kiss Leonardo's shabby-trousered butt on a page depicting the party scene.  (In retrospect, that seems just really weird.  I mean, kissing a picture of Jack Dawson's...butt?  Really?)

By the time I finally watched our 2-tape VHS version, it was only because my sister had begged me to, and I instantly regretted it.  I think I sobbed through the entire second tape.  Or...I don't know, as soon as "Iceberg, right ahead!"  I sobbed aloud when poor innocent Fabrizio got nailed by a smokestack and ended up with a splitting headache and swollen eyes.  The next week, I went with my dad to Fleet Farm and spotted the cover of the Titanic soundtrack in the music section...and burst into tears.  I never watched the movie again, except in tiny little snippets on TBS (and even then only PRE-iceberg-impact, of  course), until a few weeks all its 3D glory. 

This is me in real life...also husband! :) :
And this is me after viewing Titanic on the big screen for the very first time, as well as the only photographic evidence of how drop-dead sexy I am after I've been crying for approximately 3 hours straight:

You can see that my heart, it goes on.

So although I love this movie, because oh my god Jack Dawson and...well that's it really, I also kind of hate it.  For breaking my heart, but for other things as well.  So without further ado...

Reasons I Love Titanic:
1.  Oh my God, Jack Dawson.

When I was younger, there was no one that could rival Mr. Dawson.  Or Mr. DiCaprio, I suppose.  Although before I was exposed to photos of Leo in Titanic, I had only ever seen him in What's Eating Gilbert Grape and thought he was actually, know.  But oh no.  Those eyes.  Those bangs!  Everyone knows that the sexiest part of Titanic is when Jack is drawing Rose and he is flicking the bangs out of his face and concentrating and being artistic.  Not the hand on the window thing.  No.  The only thing that came close to this crush/obsession was that of Zack Morris of Saved by the Bell.  Zack and Jack, my two loves.

2.  The party scene.

I have no doubt that I would be down here in steerage with these guys.  Not up there in the "smoking room" talking about stocks and how a man makes his own luck.  No thank you.  On another note, why don't more men wear suspenders nowadays?

3.  "It is a little slut, isn't it?"
Yes, Cal Hockley is an asshole.  Yes, we all hate him.  Yes, he probably spends an hour combing his hair and perfecting his pouty-lipped smirk in the mirror in the morning.  But if you were Cal, wouldn't you have gave Rose a lil' smack too?  Or at least thought about it?  Rose, Cal already knows you don't want to marry him.  You've made it very clear by this point.  Did you really have to rub it in by putting the naked picture of yourself that another man drew in the safe for Cal to find?  Wasn't that a bit much? 
I still hate Cal.  Don't get me wrong.  But I'm no fan of Rose either.
I was honestly more distracted by Cal's sleepy bedroom eyes and apparent guyliner the entire time.

4.  The Unsinkable Molly Brown

5.  When Rose gets off the lifeboat to be with Jack...
tears and snot were basically streaming unchecked down my face and into my mouth.  There was really nothing I could do.  It was like a rainstorm.  So I had to use Jared's sleeve throughout the whole rest of the movie.
Rose is stupid, though, I won't argue with that.

Reasons I Hate Titanic:

1.  Oh my God, the mom.
What. A. Bitch.  She even looks like one.  Plus, she didn't need to yank on Rose's corset that hard.  She just didn't.

2.  The party scene.
Although I very much enjoy the atmosphere of the basement party, there are certain things about it that kind of make me squirm in embarassment for the characters themselves.  One of them being this:
Oh, Jack, really?
Another one is where Rose tries to impress the beer-sluggin', arm-wrestlin' tough guys by...standing up really high on her tiptoes?  I just have never understood this.  "So you think you're big tough men?  Then let's see you do this!"  Why would they want to do this, Rose?

3.  This line:

4.  They really needed to kill the old people in love, did they?
It wasn't enough to show us how the band never stopped playing.  It wasn't enough that the captain and the ship-builder went down as heroes (albeit...kind of a little bit failures).  And it wasn't enough that the Irish woman basically sang her kids to a watery death.  No.  The sweet old people had to die too.
5.  How many times do they need to say each other's names, really?
I'm pretty sure that if I said "Jared" as many times as Rose says "Jack," he would have me placed in an institution or something.

6.  Both of these scenes:

I honestly considered not even watching the movie because of the "I'm the king of the world" scene.  I don't know why.  But I don't know why he does that.  Who does that?  The "I'm flying!" scene I can tolerate, but just barely, mostly because I'm mainly thinking about how that awkward sideways kiss must have strained her neck pretty badly.  These are the two most overrated, overly used scenes in the history of movies.  I will have you know that I was on a cruise ship, and I did not even think about doing either one of these.  Okay, I did think about it.  But I refrained!

Okay, Rose takes a 30 minute turn on the door, then Jack gets 30 minutes on the door!  This way, they both get up out of the cold, and it keeps their heart rates up or something.  It shouldn't have been that hard!  But no.  Selfish Rose probably didn't want to get her hair wet.
I refuse to believe that this would not have worked.  And then Rose says, "I'll never let go, Jack," which, okay, I understand is symbolic and whatnot, but then she not only lets go of him, but she fairly viciously tears his hand away from hers to let him sink into the depths!  Never let go, my ass!  Also, this boy in elementary school always talked about how snot profusely drips out of Jack's nose during this scene, and I watched closely TWO TIMES now, Alex Avery:  no snot.
Although of course I would have understood if there had been snot, Leo - that water was very cold!

Never let go.


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