Sunday, May 13, 2012

Hey, thanks, Mom.

Thanks, Mom, for helping me with homework, with skinned knees, and with unrequited puppy love when my middle school crushes didn't return my phone calls.  Thank you for cleaning up after me, financially supporting me, and holding my hair back when I have the flu.  Thank you for always having good advice and always voicing your opinion, even when I might not want to hear it - somehow, annoyingly, you're always right anyway. :)

Thank you for being the only person there for me during the roughest times in my life:  whether it was my junior year of high school when I felt so distanced from all my friends, or throughout the (embarrassingly numerous) unhealthy relationships I beat myself up over, or just this year, when I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life by withdrawing from school.  Thanks for putting up with constant tears, yelling, and PMS when I was a teenager...and yeah, okay, maybe just last week.  Thank you for worrying about me and for supporting my every decision and for telling me that it's okay not to invite certain people to my wedding.

Thank you for staying with Dad and setting such a good example for me.  You two have showed me what relationships should be like.  Because of this, I have learned that relationships are NOT supposed to involve screaming, putdowns, or bruises.  On the other hand, they don't have to be the passionate, torrid love affairs you see in the movies.  A happy relationship to me is this:  sharing the biggest bucket of popcorn at the weekly movie, laughing about each other's imperfections instead of rolling your eyes, traveling together to places you've never been, and being able to have spaces/separation in your togetherness.  Thank you for showing me all of this.  I have found my future husband because of it.

Thank you for the little things.  Thank you for the time you helped me wash my hair 19 times in a row after a poor decision involving black hair dye.  Thanks for making me into the book-obsessed nerd I am today, for putting books into my hands when I was young instead of a remote control.  Thank you for waiting on me hand and foot, because I know that when it comes right down to it, I am the most spoiled girl in existence, and I don't tell you enough that I appreciate the things you do.  Thanks for sending me a card in the mail after I got published in a sub-par online writing magazine, thank you for treating my fiance like part of the family, and thanks for covering me up with a towel when I faint getting out of the shower.  Thank you for my love of antiques, shopping, and silence.  Thank you for helping me with a ridiculous amount of wedding planning, and thanks for just stepping around the piles of clothes in my room like you don't even notice they're there. 

Thank you for being my mom.  God knows, I couldn't do it.

"Here is the deepest secret nobody knows / here is the root of the root and the bud of the budMy fear is that I will change my mind. My fear is that it will change my life. My fear is that I will never sleep again and I like to sleep, oh god, I really like to sleep. My fear is that I am selfish. My fear is that I might not be as good at this as my mother. My fear is that I might not be good at it at all."

These are not my words.  These are another blogger's words from here.  But it sums up my feelings about being a mother as best as words can.  My fear is that I am selfish.  I am selfish.  And I wouldn't be good at it.  That is what scares me most about having children.


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