Thursday, April 3, 2014

We're Rough!: Which Boy Band Member Would Win in a Fight?

Have you ever wondered what would happen if the Spice Girls got in a fistfight?  Or, like, if the entire cast of Glee went at it, which one would win?  Well, I have, and the answers are as follows:  Ginger Spice would bail, because that's apparently what she does when things get rough.  Posh would break a nail and go nurse her wounds in the corner, and Baby would get her lollipop jammed too far down her throat.  The last two standing would obviously be Scary and Sporty, and I wouldn't place any bets on either of them - they're equally as fierce.  And as for the Glee cast?  Santana would win, obvs.

As fun as those scenarios are to envision, the showdown to end all showdowns would be boy band fights:  both inter- and intra-band...if that makes sense to anyone.  Would Nick Carter lay the smackdown on Howie D.?  Would Lance Bass be able to whup Drew Lachey's ass?  And can the boy bands of today really compete with the boy bands of yesteryear?  (That answer is obviously no.)  These are important things to think about, people.  Let's take a look.

NSYNC (photo from here)

Imagine, if you will, the following scenario:  Four of the soulful and talented members of NSYNC are nostalgic; they miss the days of synchronized fist pumping and falsetto harmonizing.  Hopeful, they turn to the fifth member for guidance - maybe he will return from his temporary solo career and stage a reunion?  The fifth member agrees, but on his terms:  NSYNC will perform once more for approximately 50 seconds, then they will be quickly silenced, though JC clearly wants to continue singing.  A fight breaks out.

Justin (who was, surprise!, the fifth member in question - you had no idea, did you?) insists that his swag and close friendship with Jay-Z makes him a clear winner of any fight.  Chris Kirkpatrick was still upset that his stage lift at the VMAs didn't work, so he had to jump down into a hole instead of being lowered theatrically into the floor - he was too depressed to throw down.  Lance can bitch-slap with the best of 'em, but he was no match for Joey's crazy, wild-eyed tactics.  But JC wants it the most - all he ever wanted was a reunion.  But not this way.  Not.  This.  Way.  Look at him!  He's even doing the same "praying-hands" pose as Justin in this photo; it's like he knows he could have been the true lead member of this group, if only his hair was a little lighter and his gaze a little more piercing.
Winner:  JC Chasez

Color Me Badd (photo from here)

Wait, what?  Who are these guys again?  Wow.  They all lose.  Especially that guy on the bottom.  (If I had to choose, the guy on the left would win.  Racial differences aside.)  But still.  They all lose.  They're disqualified.

98 Degrees (photos from here)

Justin, I think, is angry.  He is angry that he has glasses and the others don't.  He is angry that he has bleached blonde hair and no one else does.  The other members have rock-hard abs that they often are allowed to show off in photos, while Justin is a bit soft around the middle and is forced to remain in a tank top.  Justin is consistently given the worst outfit to wear - even worse than Nick's overalls and wife-beater combo.  Look at all that pent-up aggression behind those lavender-tinted sunglasses.  And because of all of this suppressed rage, Justin would be the clear winner.  Every punch to a tanned face - especially those Lachey brothers - would make him feel that much better.
Winner:  Justin

New Kids on the Block (photo from here)

Sigh.  I can't even put a name to a face.  Definitely not the guy on the far right...who even is that, Jordan?  I guess...Surly Guy with a Bandanna and a Skull Patch.  Because of reasons.  (Technically, all of these guys should lose because of lyrics like, "We gonna put you in a trance with a funky song!" but I'll let it slide.)
Winner:  Surly Guy with a Bandanna and a Skull Patch

LFO (photo from here)

You remember these guys, right?  They like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch?  And you never knew any of their names?  Or what LFO stood for?  Well, it stands for "Lyte Funky Ones."  Yeah.  They all lose (except the one in the middle, who died of leukemia, and is a winner in my heart!)

Hanson (photo from here)

Apparently, having "Hanson hair" is all the rage right now (see the link above), and it's great because these three were probably just smelly little hooligans that ran outside in the streets whenever their mom tried to cut their hair.  And now women are asking for this in salons!  Anyway.  Zac is too precious and wee to win a fight over his big brothers, so that leaves Isac and Taylor.  Taylor (who I thiiiink is the oldest one) would probably come out on top because he looks slightly more rugged and manly.  I don't even know, the only thing I can think about right now is how sad it is that I know their names.
Winner:  Taylor

O-Town (photo from here)

This diverse group of hotties was formed in the first season of the show Making the Band.  If you don't recall, let me give you a little refresher:  "I dream about a girl who's a mix of Destiny's Child, just a little touch of Madonna's wild style, with Janet Jackson's smile...throw in a body like Jennifer (?), you got the star of my liquid dreams (my liquid dreams)."  Yes.  Yes.  All things yes.  One of their hit singles was about having wet dreams.  What a band.  (If you're still not familiar with them, their most popular song was 'All or Nothing.'  The song I insisted to myself was mine and my 7th-grade boyfriend's song even though I had never mentioned it to him, we just slow-danced to it once.)  O-Town has apparently made a recent announcement of an upcoming reunion...minus Ashley Angel (the Justin Timberlake backstabber of the group).  I think that Dreadlocks Jacob would win, mostly because he is now a super-stud who writes country songs under the name "Jacob-Loc."  So, yeah.
Winner:  Jacob

Backstreet Boys (photo from here)

First, let's eliminate Howie D. (and this is how WE do it).  He would be the first one down.  Next goes Nick; he talks a tough game but can't back it up ("Am I sexual?  Yeeeeah."  Please.)  Brian kicks a fair amount of ass but is eventually put to shame by Kevin's height and AJ's street cred.  I like to think that Kevin is the dark horse of the Backstreet Boys; however, the fact that Kevin is like the Ginger Spice of BSB makes me like him less.  Plus, I think that AJ might carry weapons.
Winner:  AJ

One Direction (photo from here)

I am confident that none of these boys would win a fight (especially the one in the hat), but I would probably choose Harry.  The reasons are threefold:  1.) Because Harry is the only one whose name I know.  2.)  The hair.  And 3.)  He seems to have a way of going through the ladies, and also Taylor Swift knew he was trouble when he walked in.  So he must have some sort of swagger going on.
Winner:  Harry

So let's put them all together in the ring:  Harry vs AJ vs Jacob vs Taylor vs The New Kid vs Justin vs JC.  Surly Guy with Bandanna and Skull Patch is the first to fall, because he's a New Kid on the Block.  Harry puts up a pretty good fight for a preteen but is ultimately curb-stomped by AJ.  Jacob and Taylor stick it out for a surprisingly long time, but eventually give up the fight because it lasted too long and, well, the years haven't been too kind on them.  So that leaves AJ, Justin, and JC.  My money's on AJ, simply because he looks and sounds like he's done some hard time.  But I am surprised when AJ leaves the fight for a breather, and Justin and JC are the last two standing.  Justin is angrier and has the weight advantage, but JC wants it more, plus there is the added motivation, since Justin shares the name of his frenemy.  In the end...Justin is "too the end ya know it's gonna be" JC.  Though he wished it was JT's face he beat in instead.

All we wanted was a reunion, Justin. (photo from here)

Why couldn't you give it to us, Justin?  Look how happy Joey is!  </3
All-Time Boy Band Winner:  JC

That was fun :)  (Sorry no Boys II Men, Angie.  Hee!)  What do you think?  Who should really have kicked some boy band ass??


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