Saturday, April 19, 2014

The Best and Worst of Television Boyfriends

I had a lot of crushes on characters in TV shows when I was younger.  Some of them were strange.  I can't even tell you how many post-adolescent dreams I had about Zack Morris back in the day, not to mention the elaborate conversations I would have with Shawn Hunter and his big brother Jack in my head.  I also recall a fan-fiction-esque story scrawled in a speckled composition book that starred Harvey Kinkle of Sabrina the Teenage Witch fame.  Like with most other things, I look back on some of those crushes and wonder what the hell I was thinking.  Their shenanigans were all good and well when they were safe inside a television sitcom, but in real life?  Most of those guys would make awful boyfriends.  Let's take a closer look at the best and worst boyfriends on TV!

Best:  Aidan Shaw (photo from here)

1.  Seriously?  Look at this beautiful, beautiful man.
2.  Is manly (builds furniture out of wood...and brawn)
3.  Smells good (has many Speed Sticks, all in different scents)
4.  Loves dogs (and doesn't even get angry at She-Who-Must-Not-be-Named when she lets Petey run away!)
5.  Wants to eat fried chicken in bed with you.
6.  Forgives you for basically anything, as long as you keep repeating, "You have to forgive me.  You have to forgive me!" over and over again really annoyingly.
7.  Gets along with your friends (and will even pick them up off of the bathroom floor when they strain their neck!)
8.  Will buy you a cute, trendy, new laptop (which hopefully you will appreciate, since, unlike She-Who-Must-Not-be-Named, you are probably not evil incarnate)

Worst:  Big (photo from here)

Reasons:  Will pop up every time you have finally gotten over him to ruin your life, will abandon you at the altar (although, honestly, I would have tried to get away from that hot mess too), and will send "love letters" written by someone else to you via email in order to win you back.  Also, is not Aidan - and that is a flaw in and of itself.

Best:  Albert Clifford - but you can call him A.C. - Slater (photo from here)

1.  Will call you "Mama" (and will make puns; i.e.:  "Do you like your milkshake, Slater?"  "I like it when you shake, Mama."  Cue the whoooo!)  (Jessie would say this is sexist and call him a pig.  I, however, would just go with it.)
2.  The dimples
3.  Can dance in many different styles (ballet, as seen above; jazzy fist-pumping at The Max; Buddy Bands advertising; sock-sliding to Barbara Ann; even a secret kicky dance cheer thing when he's really excited!)
4.  Loves animals (remember his lizard named Artie?  Oh, Artie boy.)
5.  Will care for you if you're addicted to caffeine pills

Worst:  Zack Morris (photo from here)

1.  Will always be trying to manipulate you using various tactics (subliminal messaging, making all your friends think you have a terminal illness, making his "best friend" dress like a woman and record you in the locker room for his own financial gain, etc.)
2.  HUGE cell phone (compensating...?)
3.  Will kiss the person you are madly in love with just because he's Zack Morris and he can
4.  Pity-dates girls who are overweight and then never mentions them or sees them ever again (I like to think that in some alternate universe, the overweight girl, the girl in the wheelchair, and the female wrestler are all together, gossiping about how shitty Zack is)
5.  Won't let you go to Paris for a modeling gig because he's jealous and selfish and awful
6.  Has inappropriate relationship with principal
7.  Also has cardboard cutout of you in his room

Best:  Chandler Bing (photo from here)

Reasons:  Could he be a better life partner?  Chandler is always ready to break an awkward silence with a sarcastic quip; he is a great friend (even if you let all your furniture get stolen) and might pay for your acting classes.  Never afraid to embrace his more feminine qualities (bubble baths and the Annie soundtrack, baby), Ms. Chanandler Bong would be the ultimate husband.

Worst:  Ross Geller (photo from here)

1.  Nobody likes Ross.  Nobody.  He is the worst.
2.  He will weirdly obsess over you from afar for years.  Years.
3.  There is a specific kind of nerd I like.  Video game nerd, yes please.  Dinosaurs, no.
4.  Three divorces!  Three divorces!
5.  Ross always has something to complain about.  
6.  Doesn't know how to count Mississippi-less-ly.
7.  Is unusually jealous of your coworkers and will do everything in his power to keep you away from them (even start a fire in your office!)
8.  Owned a monkey illegally.  Monkeys don't belong in captivity, jerk!
9.  They were not on a break.  We all know it.

Best:  Andy Dwyer (photo from here)

Reasons:  Andy Dwyer is joy in human form.  He will eat cereal out of Frisbees with you and encourage you when you want to adopt all the dogs!  He rescued a three-legged pit bull named Champion, and sometimes he publicly pretends he is an FBI agent.  I am pretty sure I married a bespectacled Andy Dwyer.

Worst:  Tom Haverford (photo from here)

Reasons:  I hate his stupid opening-credits face.  I hate his stupid nasal voice.  I hate how he shortens words.  It's stupid.  I hate his stupid laugh.  I hate his stupid friend Jean-Ralphio and his stupid ex-girlfriend Mona Lisa.  He would be the worst boyfriend because he would always be on his stupid phone, thinking of stupid ideas to make money, and saying stupid things like how he wants to "snuggle little buuuunies."

Best:  Cory Matthews (photo from here)

1.  Cory says things like this ^^ un-ironically and without shame.  (He also had this little exchange:  "This is just a painting."  "This painting is a masterpiece!"  "We're a masterpiece!"  But I'm going to ignore that one.)
2.  Is easy to please (is nearly overcome with joy when Topanga gives him a peek of her butt)
3.  Besides his ski chalet slip-up with that homewrecker Lauren, he is the best boyfriend EVER.
I would, however, worry that he would eventually end up dating Shawn on the side.


Worst:  Shawn Hunter (photo from here)

Reasons:  Okay.  I will admit, I still love this boy.  All of the charm and the angst and oh my god, that hair.  But truth is...he'd be a really sketchy boyfriend.  Shawn Hunter is all sorts of trouble.  He is a dramatic poet who carries around all of this dad-guilt and sometimes gets drunk and/or blows up mailboxes.  But oh so beautiful.  I'm pretty sure that Shawn Hunter is to blame for all of my bad dating choices from 2008-2011-ish.  

Other Bests:

Eric Northman AND Hoyt from True Blood:  Eric might end up eating you in the end, but it also might end up being worth it.  And Hoyt (we miss you!) is such an adorable puppy dog of a man.

Pacey Witter from Dawson's Creek:  So sarcastic, so witty, such a great vocabulary, so there for Andie even when she is a schizophrenic cheating ho-bag, so not Dawson Leery.  And that's A-okay with me.

Steve Hale from Full House:  He was Aladdin.  He liked to eat food a lot.  DJ was a lucky girl.

Harvey Kinkle from Sabrina the Teenage Witch:  The sideburns...and the way he overlooks a lot of crazy shit because he loves Sabrina so much (like when she is whisked away to a castle to marry a dwarf, for instance)

Other Worsts:

Dylan McKay from Beverly Hills 90210:  Wears really awful Mexican ponchos that probably reek of marijuana and depression.  Emotionally explosive and unpredictable.  Will (probably) cheat on you while you're in Paris.  Will scare you by throwing tantrums and also flower pots.

Jim Halpert from The Office: Remember the good old days when we all thought Jim was amazing?  He put Dwight's stuff in Jell-O, and I laughed right along with him.  He made adorable faces at the camera, and my heart skipped a beat.  He pined after Pam and told her he was in love with her at poker night, and I won't lie, I cried a little.  But then something happened.  Soon after Jim married Pam, I slowly started to hate him.  When he got bombarded with Dwight's snowballs and crumbled onto the ground like a little bitch, I cringed inside.  And the last season?  Where he became obsessed with his stupid sports job in stupid Philly?  That was the final nail in the coffin of my love for Jim.  May you rest in peace, Jim Halpert seasons 2-5.  I really loved you.


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