Tuesday, December 17, 2013

I'm Just a Notch in Your Bedpost, But You're Just A Line in a Song: Music Nostalgia Part 2

We'll pick up right where we left off, in 2003, when I was thirteen years old and my favorite things included the neon rubber bands on my braces, having my parents drive me and my Lucky-cologne-wearing boyfriend to the movies, and sometimes pretending I was hardcore by listening to Evanescence and occasionally wearing Converse.  I was in 7th/8th grade during this year, being taught social studies by my dad and acting cool because I could call him "Dad" or "dummy" instead of "Mr. T."  (I wasn't cool.  Only a loser calls her teacher Dad.)  I was in a heated relationship that involved lying to my parents so I could kiss this brace-faced guy inside an oversized tire on the playground, that involved lots and lots of awkward silences, that involved way too much...Beyonce.  Let's get to the music.

2003:  Crazy in Love - Beyonce ft. Jay-Z
Too much Beyonce?!  you ask...How could anyone ever have too much Beyonce?!  Well, this was in the days before she started being just the greatest woman on earth and also releasing surprise albums (Bow down, bitches).  All I knew of Beyonce prior to this video was that she was part of the late, great, Destiny's Child (R.I.P.) and the only member worth pretending to be when dancing to the Charlie's Angels soundtrack ("Beyonce...can you handle this?").  After this video, she was a booty-shakin', boyfriend-seducing harlot.  Never mind that I tried REALLY hard to master her "Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh no no" butt pop...she was my enemy.  No joke.  The password for my MSN Instant Message account (remember those?) at the time was "beyoncehater".  

This was because of my then-boyfriend's and his best friend's infatuation for her.  Once they had seen this video, along with the video for Baby Boy, they were goners.  They talked about her (also Christina Milian) all the time.  I think a poster on the wall may have been involved.  One day we were at the park (him, the best friend, my best friend who was also his best friend's girlfriend, and me) (there was probably a better way to say that but I don't care) and they were talking about the American Pie series, specifically Stifler's mom who was a MILF.  They decided, after much giggling, that they would coin a new phrase:  MILF-B.  What does this stand for?  Well, it stands for "Mom, I'd like to...Beyonce."  I didn't understand why they thought it was so funny...I still don't.  Because why would you tell your mom that?  Anyway.  My best friend and I decided to be all dramatic and angry with them, because HOW DARE THEY talk like that in front of us?  End of story, we probably made up twenty minutes later with promises of a homemade mix cd and a late-night screening of 8 Mile.

Also, this guy is amazing and fabulous.

2004:  Salt Shaker - Ying Yang Twins ft. Lil Jon and the Eastside Boyz
I'm not gonna lie, this was a tough choice.  Should I choose "Hey Ya" by OutKast because my dad always thought they were saying "Bad Dog"?  "Just Lose It" by Eminem because of the impulse of my classmates to constantly sing it in science class?  Or what about "Pieces of Me" by Ashlee Simpson in honor of the night I slept on my sister's couch and was up all night with that goddamn song in my head?  "My Immortal" for the time I sang it and played the piano at a concert?  

When in doubt, always go with the Ying Yang Twins.  This particular song was a favorite of mine to get me "pumped up" while on the bus on the way to...cheer at a game.  But more importantly, it was a song frequently played at (I'm ashamed to admit) NightStorm.  NightStorm, if you're unfamiliar, was a "dance party" which allowed 14-year-olds to mingle with college students, for girls to lose their tops accidentally-on-purpose in a disgusting waterfall of foam, for girls like me wearing camisoles and training bras to feel like adults.  (Parents, don't let your kids go here.)  (I am convinced that the reason I hate bars/clubs today is because of NightStorm.  I once found a hypodermic needle on the floor amongst the lingering foam, and one time a guy who looked like the lead singer of Limp Bizkit groped me to the song "My Neck, My Back.")  "Salt Shaker" was playing in the background when sparks flew between myself and a boy from "out of town" - I liked him so much that I kept the gum that he gave me...like, a chewed wad.  I was confused between being romantic and being disgusting.  It was also "Salt Shaker" that played when my friend got up on a platform to dance with a tall handsome stranger, while I danced alone and was then accosted by a midget (sorry.  Little person.) who almost violently grinded his hips into my...knees?  I quickly excused myself to go to the bathroom.  But I have never forgotten.

2005:  Sugar, We're Going Down - Fall Out Boy
I was quite the Fall Out Boy enthusiast back when I was 15.  I would listen to them on my cd player (I wasn't cool enough to have an iPod yet) and hang the headphones around my neck so people would hear it and think I was all alternative - my favorite lyric was something like, "There's a ribbon on my wrist that says 'Do not open until Christmas."  ...Because self-harming was so cool?  Anyway.  My boyfriend at the time had a flip phone whose ring tone was a distorted version of "Sugar, We're Going Down," and I thought it was so cool.  I didn't get a cell phone until I was 16, so I was easily impressed.  This song was basically the soundtrack of the relationship, and now when I hear it I want to punch someone.  And that's all I have to say.  :)

On another note, my husband is still convinced that they are saying "Sugar wood."  He messes up song lyrics a lot...it's pretty cute.

2006:  Grillz - Nelly ft. Paul Wall, Ali and Gipp
Yes, this is the second Nelly song on this (continued) list.  (I also went to his concert one time, but I had a heart episode and had to leave...before my sister even got to see him perform "Hot in Herre"!)  To me, this song brings back haunting memories of gym class.  My P.E. teacher at the time must have had a mix cd full of different Nelly songs, and he would play it over the loudspeaker in the gym while we ran around playing dodgeball or kickball.  But the one I remember most is "Grillz."  The boys would strut around rapping about their "wife beats" and their "white tees", and the girls who were actually good at gym would bust out dance moves in between home run kicks.  I, however, was not good at gym.  I sucked at gym.  When we played dodgeball, I would get hit on purpose so that I could get out and go sit on the bleachers, and during kickball, I often lingered on bases to avoid running.  Every once in a while, if it was an activity I really hated (hockey and basketball come to mind), I would fake menstrual cramps, the classic girl's excuse.  When we were told we had to run the mile in under 12 minutes or run the risk of getting dropped a letter grade (harsh), I ran/walked the mile and clocked in at 11:59.  Behind literally everyone.  The athletic kids would get all pissed off at me if I bunted the kickball and slowly slouched over to the base, telling me I should at least try.  But I would just shrug and mouth the words at them:  "Da whole top's diamond and the bottom row's gold."

This is where our journey's gonna end today...I might continue this (yet again) later on.  :)  Thanks for tunin' in.


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